When You're Far

When you are far,

Orbit of my mind spirals down to gnaw  whatever remains at the dust of my exiled memories. Long faded, barely a silhouette, I cannot keep my soul from echoing behind you, heeding every shade of your glance.

When you are far, I read the darkest names of love on the threads of fate, I even now fear to say them out loud for it may revert me to who I was before. After all, it's suicide to walk the same path evil nights always guide.

I don't remember much when you are far. I do remember that love was to be conquered, to be sickened by. It is now to bloom in the new horizons, only to die on the same spot.

I don't know why the biggest lie you spat doesn't have much weight on me. Is it because you are far, or is the distance futile now?

When you were far, I also went far, I took my hollow heart to every hill the sun sets on so I could hear it howl with the winds of this heaven. Some winds mimicked the way you whispered my name in your prayerful nights. Some even kissed me on the chest, the way you kissed me when you said goodbye.

I let the winds lure me into temptation, then I cave in. Sometimes too soon, sometimes too late, yet it all feels late, since you've been far.

Since you are far, I've been jealous of how forests get to be bent gently by the winds that forget me. I, too, want to stretch my aching into the forgiving winds of an afternoon sky.

Lover, it's not the way we walked the path, it's the route I took you along, and the reason you left before we finished drawing the shape of our heart. I now bleed to cover your part, on a journey to have God smile.

You should know that all the sympathy the heavens once had for us will be our curse now since you committed anathema. You should know that you will never rise above cloud nine and graves will startle as you fall. Or maybe, in the end, you should never have known me at all.

Aching in a scaled dread, I tried to walk it off, sleep it off, only to discover the emptiness of a godless soul and the stubbornness of a heart in foul.

Lover I insist on what we could have been. Little did I know the imaginary audience in my mind was meant to be silenced all along. I took pride in being the one who loved more, sacrificed more, and in the end, hurt more. Yet I'd die on the hill of feeling it all rather than feeling nothing at all.

If, God forbid, I were to love once more, I'd do it in the same way, let them hurt me on the parts already sore.

I know it would make me the brightest fool in a disgraced circus. But lover you loved me for being able to lose myself in the faded red of a dying rose, whispering dust of old books and witty marks on important notes.

Lover you are far from me, but are you as far as I am? 

Or more?

When you are far, I don't find comfort in knowing that your desire for my passionate embrace will haunt you, that you will be locked out of heights of love where I belong. Yet it is still futile, lover. I can die now. I can die tomorrow. Maybe I died long ago and this is a thought of a soul trapped in sorrow.

When you are far, everyone becomes you a little bit. I treat them the way I once treated you. I thrill as they resemble you more, yet I detest the ones that resemble you the most. That is why I smile at shining hazel eyes and clench my fist at mirrors.

Shadow of all the hills I'm supposed to climb gives me comfort somehow. These shadows remind me of the path you put me on, suffocated by the height. Though it's barely visible, I can feel my way around Paladin Strait.

Only cold grass grows here. When I lie down on them, I spill ashes of everything I once held dear.

Lover I have no hope or ill intentions for what awaits you on your journey without me. I only hope I can also be far when you shiver in doubt and the distance forces you to be longing and makes me dreamy.

When you are far, I'm above your accusations, intentions you adore and mistakes we made before.

Lover you said you learnt not to love me, I pray to God that I will too. There is nothing to do other than believing the future is yet my best.

In the end, when I am finally far, I will be happy and not care about the journey, but the destination God set and clouds under I rest.